is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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