i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
