I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
