Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
