My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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