I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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