there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize