my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
