Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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