Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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