i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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