It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
