Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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