Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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