remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
