I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
worst night to have a conscience
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
