Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
