Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
