best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize