look no pants
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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