Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
