I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
