She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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