if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
