If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
