Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize