So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
