Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
