Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
