Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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