her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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