Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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