Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
