Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
