I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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