its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
