i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
