I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
