They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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