Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
