is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
