im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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