I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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