Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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