I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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