Apparently you make a good broom.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
