apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
