Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
