I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
