sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
