That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
