Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
