I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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